Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Horrible Book Promos: Number Eight

A preview for a book I'll NEVER read -- even if it was not absurdly overpriced and did not have a dreadful video.

In his latest book, self-publishing Outskirts Press [Oops. That kills the sale, right in the first sentence] author, Charles Hall, perches [Hmm. I didn't know that "perch" could be a transitive verb.] readers on the pinnacles [Is that more fun than being on "tenterhooks?"] of suspense as the retired mercenary, Gylfalin, [Isn't he the guy who discovered the Hidden Kingdom of Haagen-Dazs?] and his cousin, Pendaran the Archer [Named after a mythical island in a role-playing game, or an employee-training company], try to rescue captives and mount a defense against the Khan, an Eastern despot [Played by Ricardo Montalban in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan -- not to be confused with Kublai Khan, Agha Khan, Aly Khan, Alyy Khann or any of the Bollywood Khans, or Herman Kahn.]

intent on gaining control of all the magic objects in the world. [Ooh. What will David Copperfield and David Blaine do?]

A magical falcon, a magical owl and crystal orbs [I dated a girl with crystal orbs, or maybe they were alabaster.] -- each with the power to allow their owners to pierce the veils [I wonder if the author paid extra for this fine chunk of creativity. WAITAMINUTE! "Pierce the Veil" is the name of a band.]  of space and time ["Two to beam up, Scotty."] -- are the long sought after treasures now pursued by the greedy Khan. These ancient magical devices have over time been scattered across the globe [Needs to be rewritten. "Orbs scattered across the globe" is overly spherical.] , some in the hands of a primitive pastoral people, some in the possession of the community of Endylmyr [A rival of Haagen-Dasz!], and some under the control of the Khan himself.

After several misguided attempts to retrieve and save the magic objects, Gylfalin and Pendaran discover through Angmere the Historian [Didn't he tutor Ming the Merciless?] that the key to their success lies in the words of an ancient rhyme ["Salagadoola means mechicka booleroo. But the thingmabob that does the job is bippity-boppity-boo"] that leads them to the three witches of Endylmyr -- Gwynyr, Hellwydd and Hilst [Outrageous. This is another creative ripoff! Those are the names of shelf brackets sold by Ikea.] -- who magically harness the spectacular powers of a lightning storm [Good choice. It powered a DeLorean in Back to the Future.] to destroy the Khan’s armies.

The struggle of the two magic-empowered warriors to free the peoples of the woods, steppes and plains from the clutches of the Khan climaxes in intense single combat [One guy fighting hiimself?] between Gylfalin and the Khan’s eastern commander, Tzantzin [Isn't that a breath mint, or a Russian dance?] providing a satisfying end to this adventuresome tale. [People can be adventuresome, but probably not tales.]

I find it extremely hard to believe that anyone would pay $27.95 for a paperback fantasy novel by an unknown author, when a real J. K. Rowling hardcover Potter is available for less than half the price.

Also, the ineffective promotional video has the MOST INAPPROPRIATE SOUNDTRACK musical soundtrack possible. It apparently was produced by inept Outskirts Press -- of course.



  1. I don't need to read the book. It can't be nearly as entertaining as your blog post. Thanks.

  2. I hope that no one paid real money for that stupid video. Better videos are made in nursery schools and old-age homes.