Friday, April 22, 2011

An open letter to Donny Trump

From tycoon, to buffoon, to asshole.

Dear Donny,

Unlike the sycophantic B-list celebs on your TV show, I feel no need to kiss your egomaniacal ass and call you "Mr. Trump." And unlike your first wife, I certainly will not refer to you as "The Donald."

Besides, I was taught to use the "Mr." title for people older than I am, and I'm two months older than you are. (You'll be 65 on June 14th. You can "go on" Medicare on June first. Your business empire would save money if you start taking advantage of this government entitlement. Will you dare to do it?)

Until recently, I've been no worse than neutral toward you. I enjoy your Celebrity Apprentice shows (but think they could be cut in half with little loss, and I resent the blatant promotion of dubious products like ACN videophones). I even own a couple of your books.

Now I think you have rapidly degenerated from tycoon to buffoon to asshole.

Your disgusting courting of the teabaggers -- and the Palinesque ignorance and pathetic flip-flops demonstrated on your recent television interviews -- have doomed you to be on the list of failed presidential wannabes, along with Pat Robertson, Fred Thompson (who?) and Gary Hart.

  • Your silly statement that Barack Obama's "Certificate of Live Birth" is not the same thing as a "Birth Certificate" is pandering to paranoid ignoramuses and kowtowing to racists -- and is absolutely inexcusable.
  • It's a distinction without a difference, like "July Fourth" vs. "Fourth of July," or "birth place" vs. "place of birth."

Different government jurisdictions use different terminology for equivalent documents, departments and services. Louisiana has parishes. California has counties. New York has a Public Utilities Commission. Connecticut has a Dep't of Public Utility Control.

  1. Arizona has a Division of Public Health Services, which provides birth certificates. So does the Miami-Dade County Health Department in Florida.
  2. New York City has a Department of Health, which provides certifications of birth.
  3. In Connecticut, the Plymouth Town Clerk provides certifications of birth, like New York City, but Hartford provides birth records.
  4. Hawaii has a Department of Health, which provides certificates of live birth. So does the Rhode Island Department of Health.
In most jurisdictions, an "original" certificate stays in a government office, and people can get copies of the certificate, or a piece of paper or wallet card attesting to the information on the original certificate. New London, Connecticut, for example, provides a "certified copy of your birth certificate." 

Donny, it doesn't take much intelligence to understand the terminology, but since you seem to be suffering from early dementia (or maybe you're faking stupidity to attract the teabag vote), I'll go slowly.

To make the process simple, let's just ignore the term "live" -- because even the most vicious Obama hater would admit that the 44th president of the United States was not stillborn.

Donny, as a real estate mogul, I assume you have experience dealing with legal documents. You said that a certificate of live birth is "a much different instrument" than a birth certificate.

Clearly, a piano is a much different instrument than a clarinet, but what is the important difference between a "certificate of birth" and a "birth certificate?"

Not a damn thing, you ignorant, dishonest, pompous and pathetic asshole!

According to the Los Angeles Times, you said, "Every day that goes by, I think less and less that he was born in the United States."

Even a potential political competitor, stupid and nutso Michele Bachmann, is no longer screaming for Obama's paperwork. 

Donny, stick to real estate and television. You will NOT be president. (But don't forget to register for Medicare.)



  1. The birther arguments always amaze me. Right after college, I went to work for an optometrist near UC Davis. He was in his late sixties, and he told me that he had to renew his passport because he didn't have a birth certificate. He was born at home, with a midwife, in Louisiana. Of course he was an American citizen, but he never had a birth certificate. I guess he couldn't run for president these days, either.