Monday, October 7, 2013

Time for some snarking: Will your book promotions drive readers away?

Analyzing a press release for a book I'll NEVER read -- even if the book was not absurdly overpriced and did not have a dreadful video.


In his latest book, self-publishing Outskirts Press author [a horrible adjectival phrase] , Charles Hall, perches readers [Hmm. I didn't know that "perch" could be a transitive verb.] on the pinnacles [Is that more fun than being on "tenterhooks?"] of suspense as the retired mercenary, Gylfalin, [Isn't he the guy who discovered the Hidden Kingdom of Haagen-Dazs?] and his cousin, Pendaran the Archer [Named after a mythical island in a role-playing game, or an employee-training company], try to rescue captives and mount a defense against the Khan, an Eastern despot [Played by Ricardo Montalban in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan -- not to be confused with Kublai Khan, Agha Khan, Aly Khan, Alyy Khann, any of the Bollywood Khans, or Herman Kahn.]

intent on gaining control of all the magic objects in the world. [Ooh. What will David Copperfield and David Blaine do?]

A magical falcon, a magical owl and crystal orbs [I dated a girl with alabaster orbs.] -- each with the power to allow their owners to pierce the veils [I wonder if the author paid extra for this fine chunk of creativity. WAITAMINUTE! "Pierce the Veil" is the name of a band.] of space and time ["Two to beam up, Scotty."] -- are the long sought after treasures now pursued by the greedy Khan. These ancient magical devices have over time been scattered across the globe [Needs to be rewritten. "Across" doesn't work with spherical objects.], some in the hands of a primitive pastoral people, some in the possession of the community of Endylmyr [A rival of Haagen-Dasz], and some under the control of the Khan himself.

After several misguided attempts to retrieve and save the magic objects, Gylfalin and Pendaran discover through Angmere the Historian [The tutor of Ming the Merciless?]
Ming the Merciless, Emperor of the planet Mongo, from Flash Gordon
that the key to their success lies in the words of an ancient rhyme ["Salagadoola means mechicka booleroo. But the thingmabob that does the job is bippity-boppity-boo"] that leads them to the three witches of Endylmyr -- Gwynyr, Hellwydd and Hilst [Outrageous. This is another creative ripoff! Those are names of shelf brackets sold by Ikea.]


-- who magically harness the spectacular powers of a lightning storm [Good choice. It powered a DeLorean in Back to the Future.] to destroy the Khan’s armies.

The struggle of the two magic-empowered warriors to free the peoples of the woods, steppes and plains from the clutches of the Khan climaxes in intense single combat [One guy fighting himself?] between Gylfalin and the Khan’s eastern commander, Tzantzin [Isn't Tzantzin a breath mint, or a Russian dance?] providing a satisfying end to this adventuresome tale. [People can be adventuresome, but probably not tales.]

I find it extremely hard to believe that anyone would pay $27.95 for a paperback fantasy novel by an unknown author, when a real J. K. Rowling hardcover Potter is available for less than half the price.

Also, the ineffective promotional video has the MOST INAPPROPRIATE MUSICAL SOUNDTRACK possible. It apparently was produced by inept Outskirts Press -- of course.

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully brutal, as usual -- and deserved. Keep kicking ass, Michael.

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