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Thursday, June 13, 2013

Helping women understand men: Part One -- farts

Q: Why do farts stink?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them.

One big difference between living together and being married, is that married men don’t try to hold farts in, or leave the room to fart.

Fart appreciation is a gender issue. Men are proud of their farts. Women are embarrassed. When men are without women, even if they are in their 60s, they still act like they are six years old and they love to out-stink each other—even if they are in the corporate boardroom and wearing $5,000 custom-made suits.

All kids know that farts are funny. When we’re young, we all like to blow ass bubbles in the bathtub or the pool. Fart sounds are so cool that we make fake fart sounds and we buy gadgets that make fake fart sounds and fake fart smells. There are recommendations online for “fart foods.”

But, by a certain age, we are taught to hold back our farts, and not even to laugh at farts. That’s sad. I think we should have one day each year when nobody is embarrassed to fart. A national “Freedom to Fart Day” is no more ridiculous than “Talk like a Pirate Day.” Aaargh!

Farting is a normal activity. Presidents, popes and police chiefs fart. Presumably, Dolley Madison and Michelle Obama have farted in the White House. If we never farted, we’d explode from the buildup of ass gas pressure.

College freshmen with nothing better to do hang around the dorm and light farts through their jeans or even through tubes stuck in their asses. Or they eat lots of baked beans and cabbage and drive around in an enclosed car for a while and then open the window to gross out an unsuspecting cop.

I don’t think the ladies of America engage in these activities. They might not even think they’re funny.

My dog is the ultimate SBD (silent-but-deadly) farter. His farts smell as bad as his shit, but in over ten years I’ve never heard him fart even once. His butt hole is a stealth weapon, striking with no warning.

From my Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults)

(Whoopee cushion photo from http://www.zymetrical.com. Thanks!)

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