Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Holy shit! I made five grand on a book, so I lowered the price


I'm not bragging (well, maybe a little) but I just found out that I've made more than FIVE THOUSAND BUCKS from a funny memoir that was originally written for family and friends. 

My last name is not Obama or Kennedy, so lots of people have bought a memoir of som
eone they never heard of.  That seems absurd -- but I won't complain.

I figured I'd be lucky to sell a dozen copies, but apparently the book has universal appeal, and thousands of copies have been sold worldwide. I even have a bunch of fans in Australia!


To celebrate, I've lowered the price of the e-book from $4.99 to just $2.99, and you'll get lots of laffs for less than three bucks. 

Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults) is mostly hysterically funny, sometimes poignant and profound, often bawdy and always delightful.

The book includes more than 100 stories that span 55 years: pre-school, in school, and after the author had enough school. There's lots of sex, drugs and rock & roll. Even the sex and drug stories are funny.

Some stories were written as revenge against bad teachers, evil bosses and crazy clients. There are stories about weird relatives, weird food, women I considered marrying, and the woman I did marry. You'll even learn what my wife had to do in bed to defeat the competition.

Although I'm a first-year baby-boomer who grew up in the 1950s and 1960s, "This book provides a hilarious look at life for people of all ages who want to roll on the floor, laughing until the tears come." Another reviewer said, "This book is so funny that I nearly peed in my pants. My girlfriend didn't think it was funny, so I got a new girlfriend."

In addition to laughter, the book provides an education. One chapter helps women understand the male fascination with farts and breasts. Another explains how Betty Friedan and Anthony Quinn made 1965 much sexier than 1964.

Other chapters explain the difference between New York and Connecticut mommies, the connection between Sigmund Freud and Groucho Marx, how baseball can be child abuse, how oral sex can be dangerous, what boys don't know about jockstraps and childbirth, the meaning of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida," the disgusting secret ingredients in the world's greatest coleslaw, how a free dog can cost $100,000, and how I conducted a test to determine if I attracted crazy women or drove women crazy.

There are four murders in the book, two failed attempts at maiming, one near-electrocution, one paranormal experience, one story about the loss of virginity with an older woman, one story about sex with a 15-year-old girl (who seemed much older), one story about contemplating sex with another 15-year-old girl, two three-in-a-bed scenes, two episodes of paranoid delusion, one offer of sex from a woman who had escaped from a mental hospital, and three frustrating encounters between a horny heterosexual male and lesbians. These stories are all funny, and guaranteed to be at least 80% true.


Enjoy.

If you don't want an e-book, you can get a paperback or even a hardcover -- nice for gifting.




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