Friday, August 28, 2009

Lulu is too stupid to be trusted
to deliver toilet paper


What do these books have in common?

They all come up in a search on Lulu.com for the very specific title of my new Telecom Reference eBook. I uploaded it a few days ago as a test, and with the pathetic hope of selling a few copies.

The wacky search suggestions include:

Professional Helicopter Pilot Studies
Gay Girls in Dresses
How to Study and Interpret the Holy Bible
Sacred Geometry Design Sourcebook
Epic Role Playing Game Manual
Dragon's Den
Resurrection of the Hellcat
Thinking Skinny Ebook
Passion X:
Film Dollies, Cranes, & Camera Stands
Disciplinary Dialogues


...and more irrelevant crap.

If Miss Lulu thinks these books are the right books, I would not trust her to bring me a roll of toilet paper when I am in need.

Lulu's search technology is retarded. A search for my exact title brings up 5,685 results -- of which only one is the right one.

A search for my exact name brings up 8,246 results -- of which only one is the right one.

Yesterday the right one was buried so far down that I never found it.

The first time I checked today, it was the very first one.

The second time I searched today, there were 5,256 results (nearly 3,000 names disappeared from Lulu in less than a minute!), and my name was once again buried deeply among some absolutely absurd search results.

Tomorrow? Who knows. Maybe Lulu will be out of business tomorrow.

If I try to refine the search by specifying only titles published this week (which I would not expect a prospective purchaser to do), I get 43 results, which would allegedly be displayed on six screens (or four or five screens, depending on the mood of the perverted search engine software).

Since my name was not displayed on the first screen, I clicked to see the second screen and got this cheerful message: "Sorry, your search did not match any of the interesting content on Lulu. Suggestion: Make sure all words are spelled correctly, also try different or more general keywords."

The most interesting content on Lulu might be a book that no one can find.

Authors' names that came up in a search for "Michael N. Marcus" include "Michael Winkler, "Sebastian Michael," "Raymond McMahon," "David Nutter," "B├ętina Daquin," and "Mary-Barbara Doloris" -- BUT NOT MY NAME!

I then tried to make the search even more specific than by using my exact title or exact author's name. I put the search term within quotation marks -- the normal way to enhance searching. I got ZERO results. The brain-dead search system thought that the quote marks were part of the search terms.

I am not making this up. No one could make this up.

Lulu is apparently run by a bunch of idiots. Any writer who expects to sell books from the Lulu website is clueless, or an idiot. STAY AWAY FROM LULU!

Lulu boss Bob Young said, “We publish a huge number of really bad books” and “We’re not trying to get books to a mass market." Lulu's website is so bad that I'm amazed that Bob and his moronic crew have any market at all.

Bob also owns a football team and part of a soccer team, and likes fly fishing and old calculators. His online biography says he "tips his orange hat." The photo on that page, of course, shows Bob in a black hat.

It's time for Bob, or someone, to pay more attention to Lulu.

2 comments:

  1. I almost wish you could guest blog... the things you would love to read about lulu on my blog, it's as if Lulu is a godsend and makes them tons of money.

    Whereupon they point out that all teh "other" ones don't help them at all. ( What are the other ones?... I have my own assumptions about that.)

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  2. Spot on. I have started publishing via lulu, but scaled down drastically. As you stated the two biggest problems with them are;
    1) Printing cost (very high)
    2) Retarded webdesign from their IT dept.

    Disclosure: I have over 60 books in print and I have been at this for 4 years....

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