Authoring isn't awesome anymore -- but maybe we shouldn't reveal our tricks to the public

I majored in journalism in college. I've written many hundreds of articles for newspapers and magazines. I was an award-winning advertising copywriter. I've written more than 30 books.

For a while I kept a "clip file" of all of my published articles, and had a portfolio of my ads that I could use to impress a prospective employer.

But, after 40-plus years making money by tapping a keyboard, I no longer think writing is a big deal.

I won't say it isn't fun anymore. One fundamental Marcus maxim is, "If it isn't fun, don't do it." If writing wasn't fun, I wouldn't still be doing it.

When  I was younger, I loved getting fan mail from people who liked my articles and reviews in Rolling Stone. Later there was lots of satisfaction when I was told how many  dollars my ads and websites generated. It was cool seeing people wearing T-shirts I had designed. In more recent years, I've enjoyed reading the mostly good reviews of my books.

I still love to tweak, adjust, manipulate and rework blogs, websites and book pages so they sound and look just right.

But writing a good book in 2013 just does not generate the same smiles and internal giggles as the first big cover story I wrote for High Fidelity Trade News in 1969, or getting into movies and concerts for free when I showed my Rolling Stone press ID in 1971, or getting laid after giving a girl a stack of records I had gotten for free when I worked for Stone.

Maybe the problem -- if it is a problem -- is that writing is much easier than it used to be, so I don't feel I am overcoming a challenge. I was fired from my job at High Fidelity Trade News when I had a two-week dry spell, but it's been decades since I've suffered with a severe case of "writer's block."

Maybe simply getting older -- and accumulating more experiences -- makes it easier to write.

At age 67, I can write about almost anything.

I had a demented high school English teacher [she's in Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults)] who made 'surprise attacks' on our class. One day she commanded us to "write 500 words about tobogganing." Another time she wanted 500 words about "How Capri pants are the downfall of western civilization."

I hated the evil idiot, but she provided good preparation for later on when my paycheck depended on my being able to write about things I knew absolutely nothing about (ads for women's bathing suits and the Metropolitan Opera, and a fundraising letter for the YMCA, for example).

Getting published is infinitely easier now than when I was younger. Years ago, if I had a brilliant idea for an article or book, I had to query editors and publishers to try to ignite their enthusiasm and open their checkbooks.

Today, if I have something to say, I write a book and publish it myself, or post something on one of my blogs or on Facebook or LinkedIn, or comment on someone else's blog, or start a new blog or website. It's infinitely easier than pitching an article to an editor or convincing investors to put money into a new magazine.

Those of us in the book biz know how easy it is to publish now. But many “civilians” are still in awe of authors.

I was reminded of this a few years ago when I was at a brunch meeting of about 25 members of a "burial society" that I’ve inherited membership in.

Although I’ve theoretically been a member since birth, this was the first time that a meeting was held near enough for me to conveniently attend. I was surrounded by relatives I am scheduled to spend eternity with, but I had never met any of them before.

During the meeting, someone spoke about a milestone in family history that occurred about 100 years earlier. I casually mentioned that I had written about the incident in one of my books.

I was surprised by the response. Some people were in awe! Someone said, “Oh, you wrote a book!” and there was at least one “Wow.” People asked the name, the subject and where they could buy it.

I answered the questions quickly and politely. I didn’t want to hijack the meeting and turn it into a book promo event.

My extended family (mostly 'sophisticated New Yorkers') thought that meeting a writer is unusual.

I certainly don’t think writing is unusual or that writers are unusual (well, maybe a little unusual). I spend a lot of my online and offline time communicating with writers, editors, designers and publishers. My close relatives and neighbors and employees know that I write and publish and they are not impressed. (Well, actually, a few are.)

I know how easy it is to get published; but to the group of strangers at the meeting -- who share some of my genes, and will share a final address -- it was a big deal. I’m certainly not a celebrity like Elvis, JFK or Shakespeare, but some of these folks seemed to be a bit excited to be related to an author and maybe even to be buried near one.

It made me feel good. Not as good as getting laid because I was an editor at Rolling Stone -- but nevertheless, good.

Magicians don’t explain their best tricks. Maybe we shouldn’t reveal how easy it has become to publish books and have them sold by Amazon and B&N.

Your (type) face is familiar but I can't recall your name

A typeface is a distinctive type design, like those above.

The varieties within each face, such as bold, italic and roman (i.e., not italic) are fonts. Rockwell is a typeface. Rockwell bold is a font. Sometimes “font” is used to mean all of the varieties within a typeface (e.g., “The Rockwell font has 832 characters.”)—or even the typeface itself. The terms “font” and “typeface” seem to be merging. 

Sometimes “font” is used for a very specific typeface description like “24-point Century Gothic bold italic.”

Lots of people and programs, including Microsoft Word and CorelDraw call typefaces “fonts.” It’s probably an irreversible trend. Adobe sometimes uses “font” to mean “typeface,” but also explains the difference between the terms.

Just as companies like Chevrolet and Chanel were named after their founders, typefaces are often named after their designers, such as Goudy, Caslon or Lubalin.

Sometimes a typeface is named to honor a person important in type design (Garamond), a place (Memphis) or an event (Renaissance). The Inland Type Foundry named typefaces such as Studley to honor important customers. Robert P. Studley was a printer in St. Louis.

[above] Some names imply a mood or genre. “Harlow” implies glamour. “Asylum,” “Trashco” and “You Murderer” do not. Typefaces named “Goofball” or “Carnival” are probably not suitable for the annual report of an insurance company.

[above] Some “Grotesk” and “Grotesque” faces are not grotesque at all. Wikipedia says that grotesque "was originally coined by William Thorowgood of Fann Street Foundry, the first person to produce a sans-serif type with lower case, in 1832. The name came from the Italian word 'grottesco', meaning 'belonging to the cave'. In Germany, the name became Grotesk. German typefounders adopted the term from the nomenclature of Fann Street Foundry, which took on the meaning of cave (or grotto) art. Nevertheless, some explained the term was derived from the surprising response from the typographers."

What can you learn about a typeface from its name? Maybe a lot. Maybe a little. Maybe nothing.

[above] Typefaces with similar or identical names may not look similar.

Several typeface names seem humorous—even if they were not intended to be so—like “Zapf Dingbats,” “Friz Quadrata,” “Bodoni Bold” and “Harry Heavy.”

          

[above] “Roman” may mean a typeface with serifs. “Times New Roman” (“TNR”) is a “new” roman typeface designed for the Times newspaper in London and first used in 1932.

“Roman” may also be used to mean type that is vertical, as opposed to slanted “oblique” or “italic” fonts. You can use Times New Roman roman or Times New Roman italic. The “Roman” in “Times New Roman” is part of a proper noun and is uppercased, but when “roman” is used as a description for a kind of typeface, it is lowercased.

[above] “Gothic” may mean an ornate typeface like Waters Gothic. “Gothic” may also mean a simple, sans serif face like Century Gothic.  By one standard, both of these Gothic typefaces are also roman. By the other standard, only Waters is roman. They both could be considered grotesque -- or just one could.

[above] Some typefaces with different names look very similar.  Zurich is the largest city in Switzerland. “Helvetica”  comes from “Helvetii,” a tribe occupying part of current Switzerland over 2,000 years ago.

[above] The “Alpine” typeface looks nothing like the other “Swiss” faces. (The Alps are also in Germany.)

Some typeface names seem to be deliberately deceptive.  “Helvetic” is likely named to make people think they are getting “Helvetica.”  You can download Helvetic for free while seeing advertising and possibly infecting your computer with a virus. Genuine Helvetica (from Linotype) costs $29 for one variation or $693 for the complete set.

            
[below] There are even websites offering free (i.e., illegal) downloads of genuine Helvetica and other faces.

This blog post is adapted from my upcoming e-book, Typography for Independent Publishers. 

Helping women understand men: Part Two -- Breasts

Yesterday I discussed farts. today, I'm moving up.

Do breasts help human beings speak?

Most heterosexual men are attracted to female breasts. At an early age, even gay men and heterosexual females are attracted to female breasts. It’s a fact of life, because the breast is the source of life.

In 2013 many babies get their initial nourishment from bottles. But, for millennia, vital milk actually came from mothers. If babies were not attracted to breasts, there might never have been a second generation of human beings—or even a second generation of dogs or monkeys or any kind of mammal.

Mammals are a class of animals whose name is derived from their distinctive feature, mammary glands—the breasts that feed young mammals.

The word “mammal” comes from “mamma,” the Latin word for breast. “Mamma” is often the first word said by an English-speaking baby. Variations include “mommy,” “mummy,” “mom,” “mammy,” “ma,” “eema” (Hebrew and Estonian), “meme” (Albanian), “mère” (French), “maji” (Hindi), “mama” (Dutch, Spanish, Chinese, German, Russian and Italian), etc.

The widespread use of similar words in diverse and distant cultures implies that babies learn to extend “m”—a basic sound of happiness while suckling and nuzzling—into a real word. The sound is obvious in “mother” and “maternity.” The breast may be the source of not just life-sustaining milk, but of speech.

Breast allure for most male human beings extends long after the need for breast feeding. The female breast can be a lifelong source of attraction and sexual excitement. It’s been suggested that men who were breast-fed as babies are more breast-focused than babies who were bottle-fed. I can appreciate a fine behind, but I was breast-fed and am definitely a “tit man,” not an “ass man.”

Young teenage boys are driven to see, touch, nuzzle and more—but they may not be initially aware that females can receive pleasure from being seen and even from being touched.

Some women resent being “ogled,” or complain that men look at their chests, not at their eyes, during a conversation.

Other women are willing and eager partners in the relationship that perpetuates the species. They display their cleavage, wear push-up bras, wear falsies, get breast implants and dance naked to attract mates—and human life goes on.

Listen up, ladies: You may not like this, but it’s a basic part of being a mammal. It’s God’s plan, it’s human nature, it’s vital for the continuation of human life. Birds and snakes don’t care about breasts, but men do. It’s innate. It’s genetic. We can’t help it. Get used to it. Do your part. Resistance is futile. If you’ve got it—even a little bit of it—flaunt it.

From my Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults)

Sophia Loren acted like a guy, checking out Jayne Mansfield's chest

(Top photos shows Ursula Andress as Honey Ryder in first James Bond movie, Dr. No (1962), and Honor Blackman as Pussy Galore in Goldfinger (1964).

Helping women understand men: Part One -- farts

Q: Why do farts stink?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them.

One big difference between living together and being married, is that married men don’t try to hold farts in, or leave the room to fart.

Fart appreciation is a gender issue. Men are proud of their farts. Women are embarrassed. When men are without women, even if they are in their 60s, they still act like they are six years old and they love to out-stink each other—even if they are in the corporate boardroom and wearing $5,000 custom-made suits.

All kids know that farts are funny. When we’re young, we all like to blow ass bubbles in the bathtub or the pool. Fart sounds are so cool that we make fake fart sounds and we buy gadgets that make fake fart sounds and fake fart smells. There are recommendations online for “fart foods.”

But, by a certain age, we are taught to hold back our farts, and not even to laugh at farts. That’s sad. I think we should have one day each year when nobody is embarrassed to fart. A national “Freedom to Fart Day” is no more ridiculous than “Talk like a Pirate Day.” Aaargh!

Farting is a normal activity. Presidents, popes and police chiefs fart. Presumably, Dolley Madison and Michelle Obama have farted in the White House. If we never farted, we’d explode from the buildup of ass gas pressure.

College freshmen with nothing better to do hang around the dorm and light farts through their jeans or even through tubes stuck in their asses. Or they eat lots of baked beans and cabbage and drive around in an enclosed car for a while and then open the window to gross out an unsuspecting cop.

I don’t think the ladies of America engage in these activities. They might not even think they’re funny.

My dog is the ultimate SBD (silent-but-deadly) farter. His farts smell as bad as his shit, but in over ten years I’ve never heard him fart even once. His butt hole is a stealth weapon, striking with no warning.

From my Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults)

(Whoopee cushion photo from http://www.zymetrical.com. Thanks!)

Beware of the hidden penis.Be careful with book titles, URLs and headlines.Sometimes a word will look like another word

LogMeIn?

A few days ago I received an email with the subject shown as "No More Pain!"

I get about 200 emails a day and most of it is crap, so I scan and delete quickly. In my haste, the exclamation point looked like the letter "t." I thought the subject was "no more paint." Since I have less interest in vinyl siding than in medication, I deleted the message. I reconsidered and retrieved it from the deleted list. The email was from Walmart, pushing Alleve, Excedrin and Advil. I'm a Tylenol man. I deleted it again. 

This reminded me of other textual ambiguities that can be problematical, amusing or both.

• I frequently get email from Logmein.com. Maybe I have a powerful fixation on Chinese noodles. I always read it as Lomein -- not log me in.
• Avoid website addresses ("URLs," "Uniform Resource Locators") with ambiguous word breaks where it’s not obvious which word a letter belongs to. These URLs can confuse potential customers and might cost you business.
• Whenever I see releaseyourwriting.com, I automatically pronounce it as “releasey our writing,” not “release your writing.” (The link takes you to a terrible book. Stay away.)
• Watch out for hidden words that may stick out, as in thepenismightierthanthesword.com.
• An uncommon word may look like a more common word. In today's New York Times there is a headline that says, "Nonstars Come Out as Spurs Rout the Heat." I quickly read "Nonstars" as "Porn stars."
• Avoid URLs with consecutive identical letters such as whattoeat.com. They can confuse potential customers and cost you business because people may think you were being cute and you chose to spell it as “whatoeat,” or they’ll just mistype.
• Years ago I designed a website for a company that sold battering rams, sledge hammers and other equipment for police and military SWAT teams. The web address uses cute spelling, swatools.com. They may lose business from potential customers going to the useless swattools.com.
• If you must have a URL with ambiguous spelling, register BOTH versions, and have one automatically redirect traffic to the other.

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photo from http://drgullo.com/. Thanks.

Plant book seeds long in advance if you want to harvest the publicity crop later

On the day I approved one book for printing, it had 669 search links on Google, 66 on Bing, 79 on Yahoo, and 10 on Excite. Those links were in place, waiting for my book to exist.

Authors: if you don’t start marketing until your books go on sale, you’ve waited much too long. Start marketing as soon as you have a subject and a tentative title. A year in advance is not too soon!

Some people think it’s bad luck to announce a pregnancy before the baby is born. Others start blabbing and buying baby clothes on the day after conception. There is similar disagreement about announcing a book long in advance.

You may think that you should keep your book secret so nobody copies your idea. But the loss of advance publicity and the delay in moving up through search engine rankings is probably worse than helping a competitor.

• If you write a blog or have a website in a field that’s related to your book topic, show a mock-up of the cover and tell a bit about the book. As you get closer to the publication date and your ideas about the book get more concrete, you can say more about it.
• Over on the right are illustrations of some of my works in progress. The books won't be published until later this year, but each book shows up in searches for relevant key words and phrases -- and some are high in the rankings. 
• If you respond to posts on others' blogs and websites, and on Facebook, mention your future book in the text or in your "signature."
• Write guest blog posts, magazine articles and letters to the editor -- and mention the future book in your bio.
• Send out press releases.
• If you've written other books and have an author page on Amazon or elsewhere, mention your future books.
• For nonfiction, assert your expertise. Respond to requests for help in Help A Reporter Out.

Here are some news items that mentioned books that did not exist yet:

1. New York Times: "author of the forthcoming novel “Maya’s Notebook” 
2. Business Week: “This is the lesson Costco teaches,” says Doug Stephens, founder of the consulting firm Retail Prophet and author of the forthcoming The Retail Revival." 
3. Huffington Post: "Helena Andrews, author of the upcoming book Bitch Is the New Black"
4. Christian News Wire: Dr. Andrew Jackson, author of the forthcoming Mormonism Explained: What Latter-Day Saints Teach and Practice"
5. Examiner.com: "Fred Bals, author of upcoming Theme Time Radio Hour' book - Part one"
6. Financial Content: "coauthor of upcoming e-book, But I'm Hungry!, to be launched on September 15"
7. Quill & Quire: "Author of forthcoming book about Sarah Palin rents home … next to Sarah Palin"
8. Princeton University Press Blog: "Noah Horowitz, author of forthcoming ART OF THE DEAL"
9. Blog Talk Radio: "Arthur Wylie is the author of the upcoming (and great book) Only the Crazy and Fearless Win Big." 
10. Media Matters: "Author Of Forthcoming Fox Expose Says He Received Threat Following Latest Breitbart.com Attack Piece"

You can do it, too. Get started NOW.

You're not stuck with stock photos.You're not stuck with any photos.

Stock photos from such sources as Fotolia, ShutterStock and iStockPhoto are an excellent alternative to expensive custom photography for book covers and interior pages. Millions of photos and illustrations are available from skilled pros and amateurs for a tiny fraction of the cost of hiring a photographer and models and renting a shooting location and paying for travel and food.

Prices range from a laughable 14 cents to about a hundred bucks, depending on size, resolution, and what the photographer feels like charging. I paid $60 for one cover shot, but most of my pix cost $4 or $6 each. I'd have to sell many more books to pay for a $1,000 photo than a $6 photo.

Some $1,000 photos don't turn out as expected. Also, sometimes a title or design

concept may change and it's easier to abandon a $6 photo than a $1,000 photo.

Unlike some "stock photo house" policies aimed at periodicals rather than books, you are buying a license for nearly unlimited use. You don't pay more money based on the readership/viewership of your media, or the purpose of your project. All the files available I've used are royalty-free, meaning they can be used with no limits on time, number of copies, or geographical location.

Most of them were absolutely perfect, and could not have been more perfect if they were shot just for my books.

Since they're not mine exclusively, I check to see if any competing or related books have the same or similar illustrations. There is no guarantee that one won't go on sale in the future (there's also no guarantee that another book won't have the same title as mine), but I'm willing to take the risk.

About the only limitations are that you can't put any person in a photo in a bad light or in porn or a violent situation, or use a photo to support a political party or religious organization.

One other possible limitation is that despite a nearly endless selection from Fotolia and its competitors, you may not find a photo that's exactly right for you. Read the contract, but you are probably allowed to modify a stock photo to make it 'more custom' (and more perfect) by flipping, cropping, changing lighting, removing or adding background, etc. (BE CAREFUL when you flip.)

That's where someone skilled with Adobe Photoshop can remake a stock photo into a custom photo.

The photo in the book cover at the top was nearly perfect, except for a generation gap. I needed a picture of a father speaking to a child, but the original man (in inset on the right) was obviously old enough to be a grandfather, or even a great grandfather.

Carina, my ace cover artist, gave him a hair transplant, eliminating the effect of decades.

In the second row, Carina doctored my 1971 wedding picture, to remove my wife, clone some hair onto the right side of my head, and remove a reddish cast from the photo.

In the bottom photo, Carina removed a cluttered background, straightened out my tilted head, and removed my right hand that looked like the deformed appendage of a Thalidomide baby.

WARNING: some collections of stock photos and "clip art" are not supposed to be used for commercial purposes -- like books -- so read the fine print carefully.

OTHER WARNING: Stock photos are often purchased with "credits" that you buy in batches using a credit card or Paypal. Credits don't last forever, and can expire before you have a chance to use them. Be careful. BigStockPhoto has a "pay as you go" plan that allows you to buy what you need when you need it and not risk having credits expire.

Should I give a shit about potty-mouth John Green?

This guy is John Green. I never heard of him until a couple of days ago.
Apparently he's an author with lots of Twitter followers.
 He uses dirty words. Should I give a shit about him?

According to the Huffington Post, "John Green is a cult author with more than 1.5 million Twitter followers."

Big Fucking Deal. I have Twitter followers -- and I don't tweet. My followers are either robots or idiots. How many of John Green's Twitties are human beings who actually buy books?

According to England's Guardian, he's a "a social-media sensation."

Maybe he's not so sensational.

I've never read any of his books, followed his Tweets or watched his videos. In fact, I never heard of John Green until this week when he started making news and noise.

He said he would not have any books to his name "Without the tireless and committed collaboration" of his editor and agent, the staff at Penguin and the thousands of other people, copy editors, warehouse employees, programmers, people who know how to make servers work, librarians and booksellers."

Actually, he could have been published without them (and without the truck drivers, too).

The speech, which thanked booksellers, was delivered at a meeting of The American Booksellers Association which gave him an award. 

He dissed and dismissed self-publishing, describing the notion that he doesn't "need the value-sucking middleman of bookstores and publishers" as "bullshit.”

I say that Green is full of shit. Lots of authors get published -- and sell books, make money and entertain, inform and enlighten readers -- without those publishers and sometimes even without booksellers.

My first book was published by Doubleday in 1977. My second was published by a small "indie" 20 years later. I'm much happier with the books published by my own tiny Silver Sands Books. They're better books, reached more readers and I made more money from them.

At the time when self-publishing is finally getting respect, the American Booksellers Association and the media are paying too much attention to retrograde John Green.

Different publishing paths are right for different people at different times.

Who cares who published your book?

Zoe Winters is an author and blogger. She says, “The average reader doesn’t care how a book gets to market. If the book is good, it doesn't matter if your Chihuahua published it.”  Author/blogger S.G. Royle wrote, “People don't buy books from publishers. They buy them from authors.” Edward Uhlan founded Exposition Press—an early and important pay-to-publish company—in 1936. He said, “Most people can’t tell the difference between a vanity book and a trade book anyway. A book is a book.”

On the other hand, many booksellers and book reviewers can tell the difference and do care—and may reject a book solely because of its publishing company.

If you decide to use a self-publishing company, this book will help: How to not get Screwed by a Self-Publishing Company.

Some things I learned in five years on Facebook and 67 years on Earth

Jefferson Airplane's Grace Slick wrote, "it don't mean shit to a tree." Despite the bad grammar, she was very perceptive. Many things that seem very important at one time, won't have lasting impact.

(1) Some kids I thought were pathetic assholes, "hoods" or idiots 50 years ago turned out to be very nice people, and even smart doctors, lawyers and professors.

(2) Some kids I thought were geniuses 50 years ago have not accomplished much.

(3) Some kids I thought were fine 50 years ago are assholes now.

(4) Some kids I thought were assholes 50 years ago are still assholes.

(5) Some kids I dismissed for various reasons 50 years ago are really nice people and I'm sorry I didn't know them back then.

(6) Some girls I thought were conceited snobs back in high school 50 years ago are very nice people now.

(7) Some girls I didn't know in high school 50 years ago, I would've dated -- or maybe even wanted to marry.

(8) Race, religion, economic background, athletic ability, national origin, future goals, clothing choice and even height that were seemingly insurmountable barriers to relationships 50 years ago are no big deal now.

(9) Some kids I might have been friendlier with 50 years ago are dead. I'm sorry I missed the chance.

(10) Some bad kids who used to get away with making other kids miserable got punished.

(11) It's possible to like someone despite bad grammar and spelling.

(12) Things that were once very important, no longer are. As Grace Slick wrote, "It don't mean shit to a tree."

(13) Aging levels, humbles, weakens and strengthens. 

(14) It's possible to ignore what I can't change.

(15) When I was around 15 years old, I looked forward to living the life of Archie. It hasn't happened yet, and probably won't happen.

(16) If I had all of the money I spent on stupid $10 things, I'd have a lot of money (but maybe would not have had as much fun).

(17) Time accelerates. In high school, every 45-minute class seemed to last a hundred years. Now, years seem to have just five months.

(18) If you do the wrong thing, apologize immediately. If you wait too long, the other person might die before you have the chance.

(19) The first sign of aging is encountering parents who are younger than you are, then cops, then professional athletes, then teachers, then rabbis and priests, then presidents, then grandparents.

(20) I can't change what has already happened.

(21) Despite truth, logic and intellect, there are some arguments I just can't win. It's better to shut up or walk away.

(22) The best place to put an important list is on the inside of a kitchen cabinet door.
This list will probably become a book, What I Learned So Far, and should have learned.

I hope this blog post embarrasses Hewlett-Packard enough to fix something. Unfortunately, H-P makes more money by not fixing it.

Years ago I made computers for my home and my business. It was fun and I saved money. After a while it was no longer fun and I no longer saved money. I started to buy ready-made PCs from IBM, Lenovo, Acer and H-P. Our printers came from Brother and H-P, with an occasional Epson and NEC in the mix.

Whenever there was a problem printing and I called for tech support, I was caught in the computer version of "Catch 22." The printer maker blamed the computer maker and the computer maker blamed the printer maker.

Since I was pleased with H-P printers, and H-P's PCs were as good as any, I decided to standardize on H-P as a single source for both computing and printing. This way, instead of Lenovo and Epson fighting each other, I'd have Kumar and Anandamayi fighting each other. Eventually they'd have Nusrat act as referee and someone at H-P would solve my problem.

One of my newer printers is shown up above. It's the OfficeJet Pro 8500A Plus (but you can call it Ravi).

Most of the time it's absolutely glorious, quickly turning out perfect photographs as well as business documents. It can automatically print on two sides of a sheet of paper. It also copies and scans and faxes. It can connect to my PC with a cable or via Wi-Fi.

Because it is Wi-Fi-able, it can connect directly to the Internet, enabling it to do all kinds of 21st-century magic without a computer.

The touch-screen display allows me to select various useful and frivolous Apps. In need of a chuckle or two, and interested in sampling the great new technology, I selected Comics.

For about two months, every day at a little after 1 p.m., my wondrous printer spits out pages of Blondie, Dilbert, Garfield, Peanuts and others, consuming ink (which generates zillions for H-P) and wasting paper (sometimes H-P paper).

The novelty quickly wore off. After much detective work, I determined that the comical invasion can be halted only from the touch-screen -- not from my PC or by calling H-P tech support.

First I tap Apps, and then I am told that I am connected to the HP ePrint Center. Impressive -- so far.

Next I find and tap on the Comics icon and eagerly await the opportunity to stop wasting trees and fluid.

But instead of that, I get an ominous message telling me that that my printer is unable to connect to the server, that I should check my Internet connection and would I like to try again.

I've been trying -- but not liking -- since April. 

Although my Internet connection is just fine for connecting to the H-P ePrint server, I can't connect to the other server which allows canceling service.

H-P has known about this problem for weeks (or months). If they fix the server, they'll sell less of their wonderful and highly profitable ink and paper.

Maybe this blog post will embarrass H-P into doing the right thing for its customers, not its shareholders.

It would also be nice if H-P makes good on its previous commitment to me to replace ink cartridges that were full, but went "stale" because I did not use them fast enough. 

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photos from gruppocomet.it, TrueData and OfficeDepot. Thanks

What's the BFD about DNA? Anyone who wants some of mine can have it.

In high school in the 1960s I learned about an obscure molecule called deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA). All I remember about it was that it was distinct (better?) from mere ribonucleic acid (RNA).

When I was an advertising copywriter in the 1970s, I wrote an ad for a stereo receiver. It used Metal Oxide Semiconductor Field Effect Transistors (MOSFETs) which were much better than mere Field Effect Transistors (FETs) used by the competition.

I haven't thought much about RNA, MOSFETs or mere FETs in many years, but DNA is a plot element in probably half of the cop shows I watch on TV.

DNA is also a plot element in news stories about people being freed from jail after years of improper imprisonment. Some of the district attorneys who were involved in the original, improper convictions are sore losers who don't want to release a prisoner -- regardless of reality.

Defense attorneys often ask expert witnesses "is it possible" that the client's DNA sample does not really match the sample from the crime scene, despite the gazillion-to-one odds.

DNA was big news yesterday. The Supremes ruled that it's OK for cops to collect DNA by  swabbing inner cheeks of people who have been arrested -- but not convicted of crimes.

Perhaps even bigger news was the unusual makeup of the usual 5-4 decision.

Emily Bazelon wrote in Slate: "The dissent is a smoking Scalia special—and he’s joined by Justices Elena Kagan, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Sonia Sotomayor rather than the court’s conservatives. Anthony Kennedy picked off Stephen Breyer (along with Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, and John Roberts) to eke out a majority."

In a New York Times Op-Ed, Akhil Reed Amar and Neal K. Katyal wrote that Scalia's "argument is deeply flawed, because he did not get his history quite right."

Scalia is a pompous asshole. I almost never agree with him about anyhting, but for once he's on the right side of a ruling (even if it's for the wrong reason).

For a change, I do not agree with the left-leaning justices.

Anyone who wants some of my DNA can have it.

What's the BFD? It doesn't hurt to give a sample. I don't have a limited supply of DNA.

It's not like the scene from Dr. Strangelove where General Jack D. Ripper (above, right, played by Sterling Hayden) was horrified that the dreaded commies would "sap and impurify" Americans' precious vital fluids.

My DNA sample might show that my sister is my sibling or that my ancestors came from eastern Europe or that I didn't leave blood or semen at a crime scene. Horrors!

I have much more to be concerned with than accurate identification.

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"Double helix" illustration from Forbes.com. Scalia photo from Reuters.Thanks. 

Authors: give lots of books away. You might get unexpected recommendations, like this one

I was at Book Expo America in Manhattan last week. I searched for the 'booth' of Xulon Press, a Christian publishing company, where I wanted to meet someone I had become friendly with online.

"Friend" introduced me to Xulon novelist Carol Watson, who was holding a pile of her Secrets in the Tidewater paperbacks.

She offered me a copy and I accepted it with all the grace I could muster, even though I have probably read just one novel in 40-plus years, and don't understand why Christian publishing exists. I kidded her about her title, pointing out that no secret is a secret once it has been published. In retrospect, I should have been nicer. I hereby apologize.

On the train ride home, I flipped through the show guide and brochures I had accumulated and then opened Carol's book. I expected it to be, at best, uninteresting, and, at worst, crap.

It was neither.

To use an overused phrase that I've never used before, it was a page-turner. I was instantly captivated. Carol is an extremely gifted author (and has a master's degree in education and is a recipient of the Educational Press Association of America's award in journalism).

Although I've never been to a leper colony in the Roman empire (and I doubt that Carol has, either) her portrayal of the scenes and characters seemed absolutely accurate. Carol's experience in journalism enhances her fiction. The narrative was gripping (another overused word I've never used before). I read quickly because I did not want to wait to learn what happened next.

Carol's book is in a genre I have little interest in. Its title is one I would have made fun of. I would never have bought the book. If it was not the only book I had with me on the train, I probably would not have opened it.

But, several unlikely scenarios came together and I read and enjoyed a book I had no logical reason to read or enjoy. I predict that if you'll read it, you'll enjoy it.

Lessons:

1. For authors -- if you can afford to, give lots of books away, even to people who are unlikely to become fans. 
2. For book readers -- try reading books you would normally reject.
3. For readers of this blog -- SURPRISE! Sometimes I do write positive reviews.